Jack Sparrow has got to learn pilates.

He has the knack for it. He wobbles like a drunkard and yet he manages to get from point A to point B (in less time than expected, at that). Plus, he possesses this uncanny flexibility which is native in all those who are pilates-pros. Pirates learn pilates, how’s that?

(Read: Potential spoilers) Aside from Johnny Depp, everyone else seemed so blah. Kiera you’re hot but honey, you don’t look too happy when you were “reunited” with Orlando. What about you, Orlando? What happened? God, if you weren’t so yummy I would have hacked you senseless with a medieval axe. What’s up with all the Alas!-you’re-my-long-lost-father and I-will-save-you-because-daddy-you-were-gone-for-so-long-and-yet-I-love-you theme, which unconsciously alludes to Star Wars? And why can people like Kate Bosworth date him and rub torsos with Brandon Routh at the same time? The world is unfair! Give me back my money!

Yes, we see all the faces were looking for from this year’s input of Pirates of the Carribean (Dead man’s chest) but I had to ask really, why bring in Geoffrey Rush at the end of the movie when we all needed that slob from the start? Would have made things more interesting. I bet he would have blown the heads off those Cannibals, who are incidentally low in attention span, instead of those “pirates” running around the island. Come back and fight, cowards! Do that “Harr!” thing you do. I need sword fight. The only sword fight worth mentioning was when the three “men” in the movie fight over someone’s “heart”. It doesn’t sound right! Sword fight that’s not right? Okay, okay, if I have to give ‘em some credit, I did appreciate some of the antics. Kiera acting like a bimbo, throwing stones at Orlando and Jack and that (forgettable) other guy while they fight. The pirate and his gallivant eye, (as in gallivant), period. The fuzzy feeling you get when you see those giant tentacles flashing at the silver screen. Sitting next to this guy who laughs like a girl so you end up laughing too. Having to see Orlando’s precious, precious back get whipped. (I’m thinking S&M, whohoo!) And a whole lot more.

That’s Hollywood highway-robbing right there, folks. Oh, I can’t wait for the next installment.